Everyone’s minds are different, and some are more active than others. By that I mean that some people, like myself, have monologues of conversations with themselves in their heads while others seem to somehow be blissfully free of that mental overdrive.
I’m someone whose mind is on mental overdrive.
Let me caveat all of this by saying that I look at my life and realise that everything that has happened in my life has led me to the exact spot I sit in now. On a couch, in my flat, in London of all places. And for that, I am grateful.
I have a tendency to start with one thought and then within a matter of seconds could have gone down different tangents to end up ruminating on something that has nothing to do with what I first thought about. I could not tell you how many ‘what ifs’ I think about because, quite frankly, I don’t think I could name them all.
Most are inconsequential; What if I’d walked instead of taking the Tube? What if I’d gotten soup instead of salad? What if I ate that entire sleeve of Oreos?
Some are humorous; What if I just started talking animatedly to the strangers in the elevator? What if I died my hair purple and just showed up to work? What if the floor actually was lava?
Some are contemplative; What if I could know one thing about my future? What if I’d told him how I felt? What if this isn’t reality and it’s all just a game?
Some are negative; What if something happens to my parents? What if I never settle down and I’m on my own forever? What if I can’t make the anxiety go away?
Overwhelming, isn’t it?
You might be reading this thinking ‘How could she possibly have this much going on in her head?’ I really have no idea.
You also might be reading this thinking ‘Thank God someone else thinks about all this random shit too.’ I got you babes.
I learned a long time ago that living in your mind and thinking about ‘what ifs’ all the time can be dangerous territory. Obviously, I’m not doing very well at it (see above), but it’s really only the negative ‘what ifs’ that I’m speaking about specifically. Those are the sneaky ones you need to look out for. The ones that weigh you down and you can’t shake after you’ve started thinking about them. I try my best to not get too bogged down by those.
Because ‘what if's’ won’t change the past and they can’t predict your future.
All they do is pull you out of reality and hinder you from being truly present.
Now that that’s settled, it’s time for me to go back to thinking about what if the floor actually was lava.